The Sam we never knew
by blue alien
Summary: A fic where Sam actually hates Frodo! various scenes in which....sam displays his dislike, R&R!


Sean/boromir fan wrote a fic called A Time in the Snow and in it Sam hated Frodo. I've read so many fics where they love each other, are close friends, blah blah. Yes I'm one of these criminals. Grrr. So anyways this is where Sam hates Frodo. Enjoy!  
  
Disclaimer: It's all Tolkien's ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *Bag End*  
  
"...but if you look for a companion, be careful in choosing! And be careful of what you say, even to your closest friends! The enemy has many spies and many ways of hearing" finished Gandalf  
  
There was suddenly a rustling sound outside the window. Frodo jumped up; he had been up all night listening to bad news and Sam had gone home from gardening long ago.  
  
Gandalf rushed to the window and rummaged his hand around in the bushes. His hand came back up, bringing a large tuft of curly dirty blonde hair and a scream.  
  
"Sam!" cried Frodo, "What the heck are you doing?"  
  
On the second try, Gandalf came up with the hobbit, and dragged him in through the window.  
  
"My begonias! And my poor petunias! Gandalf, do be careful!"  
  
"What about me?" grumbled Sam.  
  
Gandalf ignored them both, setting Sam back down on the ground.  
  
"What did you hear?" he asked worriedly.  
  
"Don't bother playing investigator, I heard everything. But it makes no difference to me. I hope Mr. Frodo does okay and all, but my chief concern at the moment is courting Rosie" said Sam  
  
"I can't leave you here with such information! Frodo was just worrying about a companion, you'll be perfect" said Gandalf  
  
"Yeah!" Frodo cried.  
  
"Ohhhh NO! The Shire needs me to, ummmm.....garden...."  
  
"Too late, you're on the team" said Frodo gleefully.  
  
"Who else is on the team?" asked Sam glumly  
  
"Well.....me, actually"  
  
Sam was disappointed, but he hid it. Frodo was a well-paying petunia/begonia obsesser.  
  
"I'll leave you guys to work out travel plans, but I'm going to bed. Leave the ring on the mantel, Frodo" yawned Gandalf.  
  
"Well, I'm tired myself. Eavesdropping takes a lot of effort, you know" said Sam quickly, wanting to go home.  
  
"What? Who dropped eaves?" asked Frodo.  
  
"Never mind and goodnight" groaned Sam.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *Aragorn and the 4 hobbits are heading for Rivendell, this is after Weathertop*  
  
"Ohhhhh, I ache and pain. Its killing me, where's the aspirin when you need it? This athelas stuff is junk, someone help me, it hurts so badly...." moaned Frodo endlessly.  
  
Sam winced to see Bill the pony under such a burden (Frodo's athletic years were over). He winced even more having to listen to his Master's endless complaints. Did the stupid hobbit ever shut up?  
  
Sam was leading Bill, and he suddenly had an idea.  
  
"Can you lean over a little Mr. Frodo? There's something I need out of the pack right under you" said Sam gently.  
  
He pushed Frodo over a little to get at the pack, but.......... "OOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! The pain, the agony, I'm breaking, I'm broken! All my bones, they ache, ohhhhh it hurts" yelled Frodo. He was on the ground, rolling around helplessly. Sam had to turn away to hide his grin. The idiotic hobbit deserved it. Aragorn saw Sam smiling, and flashed back a grin himself, before helping Frodo back up onto the poor pony.  
  
The moment of brief joy over, Sam trudged on.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *Council of Elrond*  
  
Sam peeped out from the bushes where he hid, watching Frodo play the hero he wasn't and volunteer to take the ring to Mordor, Mount Doom, Orodruin, whatever. Sam was glad. He could hang around in Rivendell while his imbecile employer got himself killed, and ruined the nice world for everybody else, too.  
  
There was a rustle behind him. It was Glorfindel, creeping up.  
  
"Why aren't you at the Council?" asked Sam  
  
"I pretended to be sick. Elrond plans to send me along with that hobbit to bring the One Ring to Mordor, blah blah blah. But you what? I don't want to. All the other elves get to go back to the homeland. You know Middle Earth was just a little vacation for us, right? I heard that haughty Legolas is going to volunteer to go, let him represent my kind" said Glorfindel.  
  
"Wow. I just want to go back the Shire and my gardening job" said Sam  
  
"Sorry, my friend, but I don't see that in your future. Just to make sure there aren't any empty spots left to be filled by me on the team, you're going to take my place" laughed Glorfindel evilly.  
  
Sam was shocked, but it was too late, Glorfindel had pushed him out of the bushes into the center of the council.  
  
Elrond looked at the hobbit and blinked, but the dumb gardener didn't get the cue. Oh well, too bad....  
  
"Indeed, it looks you can't be kept away from your Master. Even when he is invited to a secret council and you are not...."  
  
Frodo was smiling, overjoyed. Sam was about to hurl.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *Moria, Frodo's mithril has just been revealed*  
  
"A sure treasure that is, where did you get it?" asked Gimli, who was fascinated  
  
"Michel Delving Museum. They got it from Bilbo and I don't know where he went. I think his whole adventure thing was stupid. Adventures in general are stupid"  
  
*puzzled looks*  
  
"Almost as stupid as you" muttered Sam.  
  
"How much do you think that mithril is worth right now?" asked Boromir, dollar (or whatever money they had in M.E.) signs flashing in his eyes.  
  
"A lot more than the person wearing it" muttered Sam again. He was definitely feeling cynical.  
  
Everyone got up and prepared to leave the guardroom, amazed by the mithril mail coat. Legolas had hardly even noticed it (who needs mail if you never die?), but everyone else was still staring.  
  
"Will you help me get my jerkin back on, Sam?" asked Frodo.  
  
"Sure. I'll do your hauberk, too." As Sam stood at Frodo's back tying up the jerkin, he couldn't help wondering if he was doing this because his master was so pathetic he couldn't even tie a bow right.  
  
"Master Frodo, are you sure that mithril is enough to keep you protected. You know how I worry" said Sam  
  
*I hate you I hate you I hate you* thought Sam  
  
"Of course it is, I can hardly feel it if someone slaps me on the back" said Frodo with a laugh.  
  
As they left the guardroom, Sam poked Master Frodo gently in the back.  
  
"OOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
I don't know if this is funny or just really stupid so please tell me. If you like it I will do another, the Two Towers or whatever.  
  
Even if you hate it, please review! 


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